Individuation

What Men Might Ask Themselves In This Time Of Me Too

August 2, 2018 by unkahoo@me.com

Now is an inspired time to be a man. Our culture is starving for men that have the courage to explore their inner life; to own their shortcomings, acknowledge mistakes, host discomfort, avoid lashing out and blaming others, and find within themselves emotional balance so they can bring this into a turbulent world.

What the Me Too movement is demonstrating to me is that humanity is poised to support men who are willing to look within and come to grips with their creative and destructive qualities.

As human beings we have within us all manner of psychological contradictions; gentleness and violence; love and hate; strength and vulnerability; elation and depression; etc. We also carry an inborn faculty for love, warmth and relatedness, something that helps us host and tolerate these contradictions. It is known as Eros.

Eros is like the sunlight that shines equally on saints and sinners. With it we become better able to be with inner experiences exactly as they are, without needing to discharge the painful ones onto someone else. Eros helps us reconcile inner psychic oppositions so we feel more whole. And more emotionally balanced.

We can cultivate this by making elements of our shadow more conscious; we learn how to become curious, open, accepting, and loving towards those parts of ourselves we don’t like and have disowned. To make sure others don’t see these parts we wear a mask of self-protection, our persona. The questions below are designed to assist in getting a glimpse behind the mask.

The critical point is that grappling with inner contradictions, and not solving them, is what distinguishes the man of wisdom and compassion. This process is never completely realized, but lasting change is possible for the man who is willing to make a sincere effort.

With patience and humility he will no longer need to act out his inner insecurities and rage on others. Instead, he will be working on them at the only place that really matters- inside himself.

Questions to begin the journey;

What parts of me were acceptable to my father? To my mother? What parts of me were unacceptable to both of them? How do I feel about these things now?
How was a man defined in my family? How did this affect the women?
How was a woman defined in my family? What was acceptable? What was taboo?
Underneath this character armor I have erected, who am I really?
What parts of myself are the hardest to accept? What do I do to avoid facing these parts?
What do I imagine would happen if another person really knew me?
What do I do when I don’t get what I want? How does it affect those around me? Am I willing to make other choices?
When I am alone with myself and honestly reflect on my interactions with others today, what does my conscience say?

Red Poppy, Expanding

May 19, 2017 by unkahoo@me.com

red poppy, expanding

the wind from the train
when it passes
seems all-embracing

nor is it easy to avoid
its thunderous roar
the gleaming metalwork
its seductive sense of progress
the obvious intent

and as it passes,
i falsely believe i can go with it
that it contains enough
earth and truth
and soul and beauty
to carry me

but i am not that train

i am the field of red poppy
expanding
beside the track

On Using Stillness Around Others For Psychological Well-Being

April 13, 2017 by unkahoo@me.com

Creative people have got it right. They understand that the best way to protect and nurture an emerging creative idea is to keep it to oneself. The reluctance to share a nascent piece of music, script, poem, or painting is a healthy way of insuring that one’s own unique combination of conscious and unconscious energies will be devoted to the new creative project.

Our human relationships are such a creative project. But instead of a poem, painting, script or piece of music, what we are protecting and nurturing is our emerging psychological health. In Jungian terms we are fostering individuation.

I like to think of this process as protecting a tiny new plant shoot from scorching sunlight. It holds the promise for providing future abundance yet right now requires tenderness and patience if it is to flourish. And much of it is hidden beneath the surface of the soil, in the shadows. Similarly, in fairy tales and folklore trolls, great craftsmen, live in the shadows. They burn up or turn to stone in direct sunlight. This is a useful metaphor. Even though these figures carry tremendous practical knowledge and creativity, they are forced to live in the shadows.

The parts of our self that we don’t like and don’t want to know about (the content of our shadow) are like these fairy tale figures. We use any number of tactics (usually outside of our awareness) to avoid coming face-to-face with them. For instance, a person who is constantly angry and bullies other people might avoid his shadow by using denial (“I’m not angry”), repression (“I never get angry”), or projection (“that person is always angry”).

Normally we think that we are supposed to share our thoughts and feelings with another person, family, or group. To be sure, sharing in an unfiltered way can be a beautiful method to create honest communication and promote intimacy, and is the backbone of many effective therapies.

Here we are working it a little differently. Through attentive stillness when around others we can observe influences from collective ideals and expectations. This includes feeling the judgment within other people’s opinions. Even in the most loving circumstances such an encounter can impede one’s openness toward hosting difficult inner psychic material that is wanting to be known. As Marie-Louise von Franz writes, “Silence protects the content of the unconscious against collective misunderstanding externally and in oneself as well.”*

We know from family systems work that even the slightest change in one of the family members can upset the group equilibrium. Pressure is then applied to force homeostasis- to make the person conform to the ‘acceptable’ behaviors. C.G. Jung said it is like a flock of sheep that bitterly resents that one sheep who wants to walk alone.

Relationships are great places to practice silent inner attentiveness. They tend to trigger a tremendous range of highly personal experiences we have tried so hard to ignore. These moments provide opportunities to bring curiosity, acceptance, openness and love to the tender shoots of our shadow material. This may include depression, anxiety, rage, guilt, shame, loneliness, hurt, and many other ‘negative experiences.’

(Let me illustrate this with the following example. It is an amalgam of many cases over many years so as not to violate any client’s confidentiality)

I was working with a young designer who grew up in a strict religious family in the Northeast. From the time she was born she received the message that only her happy emotions were acceptable. It was also drilled into her that in her family the thoughts and feelings of her parents were always right and what mattered most. These must be accepted and adhered to. As a child the healthy part of her rebelled, of course, against this. She was angry- for a time.

She learned to repress the anger in order to receive love because another rule in her family was that one was forbidden from expressing anger toward anyone. In her innocence she concluded that the rage she felt meant she was unlovable. So it went underground, becoming unconscious. The natural longing to fully express herself as a small girl morphed into symbolic self-punishment as an adult. It showed up as physical symptoms. Among them were hair pulling, constipation, and frequent sore throats. She felt these most strongly when she was with her family.

We collaborated on strategies for silent observation when she went for visits home. It yielded a number of insights that were useful to her. First, she got to see how the prohibition of anger functioned in her family. She noticed that under a veneer of control the family system carried tremendous fear, carried especially by her mother. Part of it was fear of losing social standing within the community. She began to realize how these collective pressures were negatively affecting her mother’s own individual self-expression. Second, she got to observe her unconscious desire to help her mother feel less afraid. She did this by abandoning her own passions and strong emotions and taking on the persona of “the good girl.” And third, she began to see that when she accused her parents of being horrible evil-doers (when she was projecting) she was really trying to disown her own repressed feelings of despair and rage.

This process helped her create the witnessing self needed to host the fullness of her own authentic experiences. In accepting her disowned feelings of rage and despair she began to consider that she may be lovable just as she was. The symptoms eased up.

Silent observation is by no means a habit meant to avoid participation in family or civic life. Just the opposite. In attending to the fullness of one’s inner world the responses to the outer world can be more genuine.

Practicing attentive silence gives fleeting, budding moods and thoughts a chance to be noticed, and the possibility for new tender parts of our self to be protected and nurtured within our awareness. As von Franz writes, “Such work strengthens consciousness and the feeling of responsibility for oneself” because “keeping the discussion within, and not allowing disruptive (external) forces to bring it into the open, is one of the ultimate vital battles in the process of individuation.”*

This work of individuation is the work of the hero. Its fruition is an unshakable inner courage to accept our self exactly as we are and avoid projecting too much of our own unconscious material onto others. When we have done enough of our own inner work the people around us are freer to blossom and thrive.

References

*Franz, M-L von (1993). The feminine in fairy tales. Boulder, CO: Shambhala Publications

10 Tips For Introverts In These Trying Times

February 6, 2017 by unkahoo@me.com

The aftermath of our recent American election has reminded me how hard it is to be an Introvert. Moods of anxiety, depression, and anger are thrashing our collective consciousness. It seems as though everything in our culture that we have counted on for inner safety is up for grabs- freedom of speech, religious tolerance, environmental stewardship, effective public education, income equality, healthcare, national security, reproductive rights, and so much more. These are truly times that try men and women’s souls.

The social activism required today appears custom-made for the extraverted individual in order to preserve the strides made by our predecessors towards the establishment of a just society. My impetus for writing this piece is to give courage to a much maligned and misunderstood population (among whom I count myself) because the world may not yet realize how much it needs the introvert.

C.G. Jung coined the term “introvert” almost a century ago. It was a way for him to understand how certain people experienced the world (a.k.a. their “temperament”). A brief distinction between extraversion and introversion looks something like this: Consider two people seeing the same ocean at the same time. When the extroverted person sees the waves he feels a surge of excitement. His energy is outwardly focused. So he grabs his surfboard and runs toward the water. He anticipates an immediate pleasurable experience. When the introverted person sees the waves he feels a surge of ambivalence. His energy is inwardly focused. So he gathers his wits and runs toward himself to consider how the water is affecting the inner experience. He waits to see what attracts his attention. It is the psychic world, richly populated with images, fantasies, emotions, thoughts, intuitions, and sensations. To the introvert these psychic events are facts in the same way that wave and ocean are facts to the extravert.

It is important to remember that we possess introversion and extraversion. Jung reminds us, “There is no such thing as a pure extravert or a pure introvert. Such a person would be in a lunatic asylum.”*

In our present American culture the introvert feels he has no place. He suffers quietly in the mistaken idea that his inner experiences are not as important as the observable objects with which the extravert engages. It takes great strength of heart for an introvert to honor his nature in the face of such overwhelming collective extraversion. But this he must find a way to do. “And that gives him dignity,” Jung writes, “that gives him certainty, because, nowadays particularly, the world hangs by a thin thread, and that thread is the psyche of man.”*

If you think you are an introvert here are 10 things that may help you abide with dignity and certainty in these turbulent times:

Know Thyself. Self-trust can be shaky in the introvert. If you learn to host an attitude of curiosity, openness, and love towards the inner world, you will recognize a rich tapestry of experiences. By engaging with these experiences there can be an increase in self-knowledge and compassion. This has the practical effect of moving away from the need to compare oneself to extraverts, and frees up libido (creative energy) to engage in meaningful endeavors.

Accept Yourself Exactly As You Are. The world is always a little too much for the introvert. Acknowledge that your nature is introverted: take yourself off the hook of having to appear otherwise; appreciate what you have to bring to the world. Understand your temperament and become a good friend to yourself.

Abide In Your Nature. Still waters run deep. Because introverts view the world with an inner subjective lens it is not uncommon for introverts to bring to any endeavor deep insights that extraverts frequently admire and appreciate. Your very nature will contribute to the upliftment of the collective. As Marie-Louise von Franz writes, “The attitude of introversion…acts as a container for the transformation of attitudes and emotions.”**

Team Up With An Extravert. Recognize that there are people who effortlessly engage with the external world. In joining with them two things can happen, 1) your engagement with outer objects will be effective and efficient, and 2) your own natural extraversion will be stimulated. Examples of such teams include Barack & Michelle, Jobs & Wozniak, Cupid & Psyche, Eleanor and Franklin Roosevelt.

Engage Your Creativity. Much of my psychotherapy practice is populated by creative spirits, and many of these people are introverts. One of the things we do is work through what is called active imagination. This involves helping ego-consciousness tap into the vast and supportive unconscious energies within oneself. There are many ways to do this. You can write a song. Paint a picture. Dance. Work in wood. Re-inhabit a dream and extend it. These activities are for YOU, not for public consumption. No one will be judging you. So feel free to be creative with whatever it is you enjoy. Work slowly. And give it your full measure of devotion.

Trust Your Longing For A BFF. Our very closest friends as children were of the same sex. Through such intimate relationships we learned to see ourselves with honesty, confidence, and humor. Someone that can help us see our quirks and challenges helps us feel more secure and lovable exactly as we are. As Harry Stack Sullivan has said, the emotional isolation (of introverts) is longing for “consensual validation” from a close trusted friend of the same gender.***

Take Small Extraverted Steps. Personal growth and self-confidence is stirred when we take the risk of sharing our thoughts, feelings, and intuitions with others. Write short posts on social media. Donate to causes with which you feel a particularly strong resonance. Pen an Op-Ed piece. Attend a talk.

Locate Your Tribe. This can be a stretch- but an important one. It is not an oxymoron to say that introverts enjoy gathering with other introverts. A group that is curious and accepting of the inner creative work of each of its members is ideal. Examples include fine art cooperatives, spiritual groups, book and poetry clubs, and forming/joining a band that is interested in writing original material.

Deepen In Soul. The introverts capacity to attend to inner experience provides a beautiful framework in which to host soulful and spiritual realities. Whether you already have a spiritual practice, or have been wondering about this aspect of life, now is a good time to answer that numinous call towards the journey of the heart.

Remember: The World Needs You. Often introverts cannot see what gifts they could possibly offer to the world, so we need reminding. In Elbow’s newly released single Magnificent (She Says)**** a proud father recognizes the transformative power in his tiny child’s introversion. He sings, “This is where/All the biggest questions meet/Where little feet stood in the sand…And where a tiny pair of hands/ Finds a sea-worn piece of glass/ And sets it as a sapphire in her mind… Suddenly I understand… Throwing both her arms around the world/ The world that doesn’t even know/ How much it needs this little girl/ It’s all gonna be magnificent, she says/ It’s all gonna be magnificent.” Find that proud father in yourself, replete with dignity and certainty. And watch what happens.

References

*Jung, C.G. (1977) in C.G. Jung Speaking. (W. McGuire & R.F.C. Hull, Eds.). Pp. 298-303. Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press.

**Franz, Marie-Louise von, (1980) in Alchemy. (D. Sharp, Ed.). P. 86. Toronto, Canada: Inner City Books

*** Sullivan H.S. (1966) in Conceptions Of Modern Psychiatry. P. 288. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company

****Garvey, G. et al. (2017). Magnificent (She Says) (Recorded by Elbow). On Little Fictions. London: Universal Music

Turn on, Tune In*: Working Depression Through Music

January 16, 2017 by unkahoo@me.com

One way to understand depression is sorrow brought on by a misplacement of soul. Somewhere along the journey of our life we locked away our true self to keep it safe. And now we no longer remember where we hid it.

The experiences that arise, including tearfulness, exhaustion, and despondency, are purposeful messages from the unconscious. The soft voice of the soul sends up these dark emotions so that we take notice of the pain of being separated from the deep Self. What is needed is a way to facilitate a conversation between our conscious personality and the unconscious (hidden) heart-essence.

This is the work of depth psychotherapy: to help mirror the personal world of the individual psyche in communion with its own depths. In depression this communion takes the form of a turning-inward. By heeding this call the life-giving waters of our long lost soul might be located to nourish us once again. Music is one way to assist this process.

Communion through music can be regressive: we begin to acknowledge the grief of separation between our present self and the part that we hid. Simultaneously, we learn to appreciate the longing itself as a legitimate practice. We develop self-compassion for ourselves as small children, where we learned to create a “false self” in order to protect us from being harmed while ensuring that we receive the love and nurturance we need, and where we learned to bury our souls. Music can help bring awareness to the truth of the pain.

Communion through music can also be progressive: we make contact with the part of ourselves that is already strong, healthy, and full of vitality- the authentic Self that has been hidden all this time. Music can help us excavate the true self underneath the persona, so long repressed from consciousness, and experience its joy and potency directly.

I’m not offering any thoughts here about the theories of music therapy. (If this interests you there are plenty of resources, including www.musictherapy.org). Instead, it is better if you are able to engage in your own experiential learning through listening.

Below are music selections from my own subjective experience as an audiophile, musician, and psychotherapist. Some of the pieces are melancholic. These tracks are designed to foster a regressive experience- the pain of the separation. Some are in direct contrast to the depressive mood, allowing for a progressive experience- to feel the joy of reunification with the Self. And many of the pieces do both.

Suggestions:

Listen through good stereo speakers or quality ear buds. Do not listen through the speaker on your phone or laptop.
Close your eyes
Give each piece of music your utmost attention
Welcome any images & feelings that arise
Listen all the way through
Try to enjoy the process

Pieces (in no particular order)

Morton Lauridsen: Lux Aeterna (album): O Magnum Mysterium (track)
Jose Gonzalez: Veneer (album): Crosses (track)
The Maccabees: Given To The Wild (album): Pelican (track)
Gabby Pahinui: A Place Called Hawaii 2 (album): How D’Ya Do? (track)
Sasha: Involver (album): Talk Amongst Yourself (track)
J.S. Bach: Lute Music (Walter Gerwig): Lauternwerk (album): Praludium in C minor & Fuge in G Minor (tracks)
George Duke: Don’t Let Go (album): Yeah, We Going (track)
Steve Tibbetts & Troying Drolma: Selwa (album): Chendren (track)
Zac Brown Band: Pass The Jar Live (album): Free/Into the Mystic (track)
Weekend Players: Pursuit Of Happiness (album): I’ll Be There (track)
Jeff Beck: Blow By Blow (album): Diamond Dust (track)
Ralphe Vaughan Williams: Symphony No.5/ Andrew Previn, conductor (album): Third Movement (track)
Nick Mulvey: First Mind (album): Fever To The Form (track)
Peter Gabriel: Scratch My Back (album): Mirrorball (track)
Ursula 1000: Kinda’ Kinky (album & track)
Richard Strauss: Renee Fleming: The Beautiful Voice (album): Morgen, Op.27, No.4 (track)
Pat Metheny and Lyle Mays: As Falls Wichita So Falls Wichita Falls (album & track)
Me’Shell Ndegeocello: Peace Beyond Passion (album): The Way (track)
Jean-Luc Ponty: Cosmic Messenger (album): Egocentric Molecules (track)
Death Cab For Cutie: Plans (album): Marching Bands Of Manhattan (track)
Earth, Wind & Fire: Gratitude (album): Can’t Hide Love (track)
Aaron Copland: The Tender Land Suite (album & track)
Darlingside: Birds Say (album): White Horses (track)
Bill Evans: Symbiosis (album): Second Movement- A (track)
Yes: Close To The Edge (album): Siberian Khatru (track)

*Timothy Leary (1967) from his album “Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out” on Mercury Records